Update since my last post....

Goodness...it's been a while since I've posted. Thanks to my nieces' (yes...my first cousins' once removed...I can hear all three of you say it!!) helping their poor pathetic auntie figure out how to post!! LOL! Well...since my last post...Baseball season is over...June has come and gone like the wind...right now someone is shooting off fireworks..I hear booms! Anyhoo....

This week has been so emotional...I lost my dear Grandmother...The lord took her home to be with him...I just wish it didn't hurt so bad...he will help me...Don't get me wrong...I don't wish her back...she was in SOO much pain and it was no way to live...
she is in heaven enjoying herself 100%!

It was my worst fear that she would pass while I was on vacation...I told a few of my friends my concern...but the Lord made it all work out because I was in Tennessee and not in Kipawa, Canada (which is on an island about 14+ hours away from here)...I made a point of going to see her the Friday before I left....I sat with her and talked...she couldn't make complete sentences because it just hurt her...as the time went on I knew I had to do the hardest thing I've EVER had to do....I kneeled down beside her and held her hand and touched her face...and then I asked if she could hear me and then I told her that if God called her home that she should go and not hestitate...not to worry about me that I would be fine...I would miss her and be sad...I asked again if she heard me and she acknowledged. I told her I loved her and she said it back...I loved her face....I sat a little while longer and she was in so much pain and just uncomfortable..I asked her if she would like to go to bed and she said yes...I pressed the button for the aides to come and I waited and then I needed to go...I told her that I needed to go and that I loved her and she said okay that she loved me too...that's the last time I saw her alive....

We left for vacation the next day....Sunday night my father called to tell that she passed...I sobbed...I had to go outside and just cry...I thanked God for taking her so that she was no longer in pain and then cried for myself and my family for the loss of our light...she was such a blessing in each of our lives...the next day I called and my dad asked me if I would stand up and say a few memories of grandmom...I said I don't know if I can do that...he seemed to think it was fear...it wasn't...it was emotional and I didn't want to stand up in front of people and be a weepy mess...I wanted to do that alone...you know....to sit with my back to everyone and cry...but I told him that I would try...I couldn't sleep....memories were pouring in from all sides of my brain...I'd cry...then stop..try to sleep...this went on all night...the next day...numb...we went swimming and I basically went thru the motions of the day...reality hasn't hit...still having trouble sleeping...cried myself to sleep....tuesday...same thing....numb...had to get the house cleaned in Tennesssee...at night...same routine...cry...cry...cry...wednesday...a long journey home....reality still not hitting...we get home at 10 till 4....get stuff unpacked and I think I made it to the church by 20 after 4 for the family dinner...I couldn't eat...I was afraid I was going to be ill..I felt like an exposed nerve...my insides were carrying on something fierce....I did get good news in the meantime...my cousin and I were going to be together talking about our memories...I was so grateful for that...still a wreck about it....I walked into the sanctuary to see my cousin and her family and they were singing...well...that broke the locks...the pastor came over to ask how i was....that's all she wrote...the girls were signing so beautifully and I could picture my little Grannie listening so intently to them that it made me cry...my mother came from Jersey to be with my brother and I...thank goodness for the kindness of my cousin (mom's side) who brought them.

We had to leave for the funeral home....as I was driving...numb....I get to the funeral home...walk in and turn the corner....there she was....peaceful....my heart was breaking...she looked so peaceful...they removed that awful tumor and there was her beautiful face with the smile that I loved.....tears, tears....there was no time to gather thoughts...it seemed as soon as my "J" showed up people just started pouring in. We counted between the viewing and funeral there were at least 300 people. Isn't that amazing? I just couldn't believe it...So many people....We were all exhausted...I got to love on my girls...I love them so much...their all the family that I have and to be able to share this with them has been so healing...

On to the next day...oui vay...talk about ROUGH....I was always afraid to touch a person that passed...I thought that was eww...until I lost my Aunt Judy....It was time to say goodbye...I wanted to kiss her goodbye...even though she wouldn't know whether I did or not...it was just something I did as a routine when she was alive...I would kiss her on her forehead and hug her....I couldn't reach her...I was too short...frustrating.....it's hard to say goodbye...even though they aren't there and it's just a body....it's still hard to say goodbye to all you've known for so many years...the pastor gave the service...my cousin and her family sang SO beautifully...then it was time to go up...my cousin went first...tears...she spoke so wonderfully...tears...my turn...oh my...I could feel my cousin touch me...I could do this...I'm not alone...It was so comforting...I forgot to thank her for that...Thank you "M"...I love you!
Tears...talk....tears...talk...then my dad...OUI VAY...more tears...some chuckles over schnitz pies...tears...then it was time to really say goodbye....numbness...Saying goodbye is always hard...

After it was all said and done...I had to go home and change clothes and then went back to Gran's house and just enjoyed being together...then we made a time to get together on Saturday to go thru some of her things....Friday just hung out with my momma and my cousin...did some shopping for things they wanted to take home....got material to make a tie blanket for him as a thank you for getting my mom here...and I guess my brother...lol...went over to Gran's....put his fleece together....then all of us went to dinner...came back...finished his blanket and listened to the service...cried some more...then went home...

Saturday....went to breakfast...said goodbye to my mom and cuz...sent out an email to my friends to tell them about Gran....went to my Gran's...they were watching videos from when the girlies were little...OH my...how wonderful it was....then when my dad got there it became crazy! Not really...lol...We started to go thru some things...Girls..I know you're going to be reading this...I'm so glad that you took things from Grandmom...she loved you all so very much...she loved to talk about you...she enjoyed spending time with you....I would have loved to know my great grandparents but they all passed away before I was born and I have nothing to remember them. You will have not only memories of Grandmom but you'll have things to take with you to remember her by...It was so theraputic yesterday to be together with the people I love...God is good...We shed some tears and it was good...

I have to stop typing...I didn't realize the I've typed out a novelette! :) It helps! Please keep my entire family in your thoughts...I'll try and do a better job at posting, now that I know how!! LOL...."L" out....

Till another one.....